After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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