My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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