I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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