you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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