I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
