i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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