Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
