We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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