she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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