And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
