The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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