Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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