i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
