I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
