There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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