Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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