Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
