we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
