I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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