I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
