look no pants
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
