a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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