i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
