3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I intend to get homeless drunk
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
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