If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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