I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
