she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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