non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
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I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
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I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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