A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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