If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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