She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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