I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
