she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
