I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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