He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
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I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
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Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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