this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
