Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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