i jhust puked up my retainher.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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