Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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