I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
