you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
