thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
