If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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