i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
