Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?