you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?