My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
