I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Sorry my hands just texted you
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
