I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
As shirtless as possible
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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