Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
