I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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