I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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