the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
