Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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