Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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