Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
