Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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